bad attitude on a sunday...

i woke up alright this morning... i kind of got a late start to church... i wasn't really looking forward to church... it's the second week in a row that i've taught the jr. and sr. high together - and i'm used to teaching just the sr. high... and i love it... i have all girls and it's easy to sit and talk... i don't have to worry about keeping their attention - because they're active and involved... there are less of them...

i wouldn't mind as much about teaching all of them if i felt like i had been asked in adequate time... but for the second week in a row, someone has called me on friday afternoon asking if i could do it... i know the things that put their regular teacher out of town were planned much more in advance than friday afternoon - and he's not even the one who asked me... it was left to someone else... i can't just do what i would do with the sr. high - we're going through a study of esther - and it wouldn't make sense to the larger group...

i was running late (church usually starts at 9:45 or later and it was 9:40) and i get a phone call from the pastor to make sure i was going to be there... i have never not been there - so i'm getting more aggrivated by the second... then throughout the class, the jr. high boys kept being disrespectful (big surprise), which i generally don't mind - but i don't really know all the jr. high kids - i used to teach them all together - but after we divided, the class grew, so i really don't have established relationships with them like their regular teacher does... so it's hard for me to know how much to say... it's different from camp or classes where i have established relationships... so it was frustrating...

at this point my bad attitude has only gotten worse...

after church, we had a fish fry and family forum (kind of like a business/ministry meeting) - and everything's getting talked about - i had been at the leadership team meetings prior to this, so i knew what was going on already... and i started looking around - and i realize that i don't really fit... i have friends at my church and i serve, but the overwhelming majority of the members are middle-aged marrieds with kids that are elementary-jr. high age... most of them wealthy - almost all of the kids in the jr. high class have a pool in their backyard... not that a pool automatically means wealth - but i knew one person in my youth group who had a pool, maybe two... it certainly wasn't the majority...

so my bad attitude just keeps getting worse...

i think i'm going to find a new church to just "be" in - to not be really involved... i don't really find myself refreshed or encouraged or even challenged on sunday mornings after everything - part of that is because i am not in the service, but even if i was, i don't think i would... i feel, in some ways, that our church has become more of a social club for the middle-aged marrieds... they're all friends - and when our church grows, it will be people identical to them... and if i was in that group, i'd probably love it...

i don't ever hear the messages, so i don't know how meaty they are... i think i got spoiled with a pastor i used to have who was a bible college professor... i learned so much, but was challenged in new and different ways - it was awesome... since then, it's hard to listen when the message just seems to barely scratch the surface... but in my case right now, i don't even get to hear those... so i think it would be wise for me to have a church that is separate - and then be involved in minstry at tri-mt... i hate that - because i think that it would be possible to do all of that in one place, but i haven't been able to find it in a southern baptist church in the northwest... i think my friends at church are going to do the same thing...

maybe it will help me to have a better attitude on sunday...

this whole blog business...

sometimes i want to vent on my blog because it's free... i don't mean money - it's just easier to vent here than to a live person, because i don't have to worry about trying to find a friend and then worry about the repurcussions of telling a certain friend...

but then i forget... people actually read this... well, at least i assume people read it... i'm not sure who reads it... and it doesn't matter to me... i would write regardless of whether anyone looks at it or not...

something happened this weekend that i'd love to vent about... and i feel like this would be a great place for it... but then i would feel bad for offending the person because i didn't know that they read it on a regular basis... if that makes sense...

sometimes i wish i didn't care... i could just vent - and not worry if i'm going to piss people off... but i'm just not there yet... until then, i'll pick my battles and i'm guessing this won't be one of them...

creepy...

this is the picture i referred to in my blog yesterday... what's strange is a search on the microsoft office website yesterday from the office (and today) and this picture came up... but searching from my laptop at home, it didn't come up... isn't that bizarre? anyway... but here's the picture... i'm wondering why in the world anyone would ever need to use it...

too much alone time...

i've been home by myself every night this week... i thought it would be the best... i love me time... we usually have bible study on thursday - and i was looking forward to it this week, because it would be time with other people...

but it was cancelled...

i was planning on going to see must love dogs with friends tomorrow - opening night, which is fun... and it's a good movie... but i started getting a vibe that no one wanted to go - which isn't true... but i get a little psychotic when i've been home by myself for 4 nights straight... so it's on... opening of must love dogs... we were going to go to a deli next door to the theater and have dessert, but...

i started l.a. weight loss on tuesday... i know there are a ton of opinions about it - and i'm choosing to be optimistic... i could try to do it on my own (weight loss), but i never do... and so i'm choosing a different way... yes, it's expensive... and pretty basic... but it forces me to be accountable... and i started on tuesday afternoon and i've lost 3 pounds... the goal is to lose 2 pounds a week... so we'll see... i'll probably keep a running tab on my blog about pounds lost... but i may not identify it with flashing neon each time... i really feel it's a good program... it may not be for everyone... i'm giving it a shot... we'll see how it goes...

i saw the most disturbing thing ever today... i was going to try and post it... but i can't find it - or it won't come up, which is strange... because i found it today at work... i was looking for pictures of blocks for a project for work and i typed in "blocks" on office.microsoft.com - under the clip art and media... and one of the pictures was a picture of kids' blocks that spelled out the word "death" - and it just seemed so creepy and morbid!!! it was sad to me... and weird... how could that ever be useful? it just seems so depressing...

it's just after 10:00 and i'm seriously considering going to bed... i should get out more...

blast from the past...

last night, as i was getting ready to go to bed, i saw an old friend sign on to im... i think the last time i talked to him was right before i moved to the northwest... we were friends when i was in college... he was friends with the most long-term boyfriend i had in college (brad)... he was roommates with the guy i worked with at the christian bookstore... when i worked at the pharmacy, he came in for lunch... he even worked at the pharmacy after i didn't work there anymore... he co-wrote "me and the devil (just don't get along)" with tim...

tim worked at the pharmacy, too... tim and one of my roommates had been really good friends before i started at asu... and then i met him and was friends with him... it was college - the bcm at college, so everyone knew everyone else... so tim and i were friends... he even helped me with a project for my sociology of marriage and family class in writing a marriage contract... he and his roommates would come over and play scrabble games and spades... they played pranks on jenny (my roommate)... we were all friends...

one christmastime, i was housesitting and craig and tim came over and we went to the store and bought chicken nuggets and french fries (fajita fries) and green ketchup... then we ate and watched junkyard wars... it was that night that the interworkings of my nickname from them started - dirty minded retro robyn... which i think is going to be the next great superhero...

i was very comfortable in their friendship... i don't remember how long we were all friends... how many times we hung out... it seems like a lot, but it could have just been a semester or a year... when i went to china, a lot of things changed... tim was in love with molly and moving to indiana... and i was in a relationship, too...

i felt like anytime i went back, craig would be at the pharmacy... but then, after camp and right before i moved to the nw, i went to say hi... buddy had shut the grill down... and so craig wasn't there anymore... and i didn't even have his phone number... i think a pager number... and then, we lost touch... and i know it was mostly my fault... when i moved up here, that happened with a lot of people...

we may have talked a few times online since then, but i don't remember... last night we talked for an hour... i got caught up on all the jonesboro stuff - which is not much... sometimes i think that place is a bermuda triangle... and some days i really miss it... but once i get there, i'm ready to leave...

i guess i didn't realize until typing it all out how much their friendship really meant to me... we all had different stuff going on... but there was something great about the easiness of us... of hanging out... it all seems so blurred now...

something happened in the last few years... our lives have taken different routes completely... tim and molly are married, bought a house and are living in indianapolis... craig takes care of his brother who's on disability... his mom passed away... he's the glue holding his family together... and i live far away... i've finished graduate school and am looking at going back overseas... not that we were "kids" back then - but at some point over the last two years, we grew up...

it's just strange...

and on top of that... i found out that brad, in the last 2 years, has gotten married and divorced... which seems to be a running theme of the guys i've dated...

what a weird way to end a wednesday night...

classic movie week...

inspired by must love dogs, among other things, i have decided that this week is classic movie week... i went on a major search last night to rent classic movies... really wanting doctor zhivago the most... 4 stores and 7 years, i mean, movies later... this is the list for the week, so far... but i'll probably get through these before the end of the week... it's amazing what i can do when i set my mind to it...

monday night: casablanca and the first half of doctor zhivago
tuesday night: second half of doctor zhivago and an american in paris (althought this one is debatable...) the others available for viewing for the rest of the week are:

philadelphia story
an affair to remember
and then the random ones: (both found in the classics section)
chinatown
the thin red line (because it's got john cusack in it... after this one, i'll have 14 to go)

i want to take a day off of work this week and just watch old movies (preferrably friday), but i can't because i have to meet with a pastor on friday... and i have stuff to do tomorrow and thursday, so they're not really options...

but i am going to leave a little early... like right now...

must love pictures...

I just felt like adding a picture but didn't feel like trying to add it to my last post... i may try to find more pictures and add them... we'll see...

must love dogs...

okay, i'm ready now... i am a strange individual... i have come to accept this... what follows are my thoughts on must love dogs... to some, it will seem strange, but that's okay with me... i never claimed to be normal...

i didn't know what to expect in choosing to see the sneak preview of must love dogs... i love john cusack... i am a fan of many of his films - say anything, high fidelity, grosse pointe blank, america's sweethearts, the journey of natty gann, better off dead...

his characters seem to have this quirky awkwardness that seems refreshingly normal in comparison with the slick smooth talkers that seem to invade hollywood... and instead of this hunky hot-stuff guy, he's an attractive in an uncoventional way and normal guy way... there's cusack, normal, quirky, awkward, and cool... i want to be friends with him... i want to have that kind of friend in my life... so i think the cusack appeal to me is that he seems like a normal guy in many ways... but the cool normal guy...

when i went to see serendipity, i didn't like it at all... i wasn't quite to the status i'm in now, with relation to john cusack... but i didn't like the storyline... i just didn't like it... but sometime in the last year, i caught it on tv and i really liked it... it was strange... all of a sudden i really liked this movie i originally hated... maybe i wasn't ready for it, or maybe seeing the actors in different roles changed my mind... along with loving john corbett...

but back to must love dogs... i didn't know if i'd hate it the same way i hated serendipity at first... in my quest to see every john cusack movie ever made, i've realized that he's played some very dumb roles... he's made bad movies... they're not all great... and so here comes another rom-com... seemingly the same as every other rom-com... and it seems like another opportunity for johnny-boy to play another mediocre character...

i can honestly say i was pleasantly surprised... i don't think it's a great film, in the academy award sense of great... but it was refreshing... the characters are real to me... they're not young, post-pubescent teenagers or early twenty-somethings with the starry-eyed hope of love, but older, more mature characters looking for love and trying to recover from broken hearts...

i was impressed with john cusack and diane lane... i read a trivia bullet that said that the director gave john cusack the script and told him if he wanted to add/change anything his character's dialogue to better suit him, that he could... he reportedly added 35 pages of dialogue for his character... it was evident... it was that same awkward character who is awestruck at a beautiful girl and always saying the wrong thing... which was perfect and normal and fun... it didn't seem scripted, but seemed honest... and diane lane did an excellent job, too... it wasn't like an old maid, but more of a youthful, but mature woman who was learning how to live and love again...

as i get older (i know i'm not that old, but where i come from, getting married late is getting married at 23), i hope less for the dreamy ideas of love and more for the companionship and honesty of a deep, heartfelt, intimate lasting relationship... and i feel like this movie captures more of that than the "star-crossed-lovers who finally get together at the very end and supposedly live happily ever after but what's going to happen in 6 months or even just after the credits roll" type of rom-com...

i had planned a trip for everyone to go see must love dogs on opening night and i gladly kept the plan after seeing it... i worried about content as so many movies have crazy and unnecessary sexual content, but must love dogs is surprisingly clean and i feel that it's gender-friendly... yes, it's a rom-com, but i don't think it's too girly...

i am sure there is something bad i could say... but i don't want to...

some more good stuff - i felt like the music was a good fit... there were a few times when i thought, "great song for the moment"... and i loved the deli guy... and i thought there were some very great and thought-provoking statements on love and commitment... and stockard channing did a great job in a supporting role... many times i leave a rom-com feeling sad... depressed... but honestly, last night i left feeling light-hearted... even though it is typical and predictable, it was good... great... i will buy it when it comes out on dvd...

must love cusack...

i went to see the sneak preview... beforehand i was worried about it... i really like john cusack, but he has been in some pretty dumb movies... i didn't know if i 'd like must love dogs or not... i thought it was going to be a toss-up... and i also worried about how clean it would be... it was rated pg13 for sexual content...

well, i'll just say the sexual content was nothing... mostly discussion, which was pretty mild... and some kissing... so for adults, i don't think it's a problem at all...

and as far as cusack's performance... i think i'll have to post when i have more time and energy - and when i'm not trying to plan a lesson for 9 hours from now... but it was definitely worth the money and i will be going to see it on opening night with more friends... there were great performances by all the actors...

i'm really not saying anything else tonight... even though i want to...

not on rex manning day...

i love saturdays... i love sleeping in and not doing anything... it is totally my rest day and i love that!!!

today i was planning to decorate my apartment and clean and get some stuff done around the house... work on my "me book" for the bible study i'm in... scan pictures and put it all together creatively...

but i'm not going to do that stuff... it's just after 1 p.m.... what i'm thinking about doing now is:

take a shower
get dressed
fix my hair
go get some lunch
head to portland
go to the saturday market OR
hang out at the park by lloyd center and read a book (or plan what i'm going to teach tomorrow, because i have all the youth tomorrow...)
go into lloyd center (mall) and look around
at some point eat dinner
go see the sneak preview of must love dogs at 7:30
drop off friend alyssa at home (wherever she's staying tonight)
drive back home

but of course, there is room for changes as necessary... but how cool does my saturday sound? i'm totally excited about the fun times of it... but i guess i should go take a shower... and pack a fun saturday bag to throw in my car...

and i'll be sure to give a review of must love dogs... especially if i still have internet tonight at my apartment...

fun times weekend...

tonight i'm going to see the first back to the future movie at pioneer square (open air park) in portland...

and tomorrow i think i'll head down to the saturday market and walk around and take the max back down to lloyd center (mall) and hang out...

and then...

i'm going to a sneak preview of must love dogs...

i've never been to a sneak preview and i heart john cusack!!!

so it should be a fun times weekend!!!

so i'm heading home!!!

self-pity...

i guess that's what it is...

there are changes in our staff going on right now... on top of that... there are ongoing feelings of inadequacy that i seem to have at my job... everyone knew jennifer better, so when someone needs something done... they call her first... which kind of bothers me... actually it bothers me a lot... she works part time from home... i work full time one or two cubicles down... and i feel like few people are confident in my work, which makes me feel less confident... and i go home feeling defeated many days out of the week...

when i started thinking about a job change last week (prayer request post), i felt like things changed a little bit... especially when i came back and said i was starting the application process to go overseas for 2 years... now, i feel like the confidence thing is worse... i don't like the way it feels at all... part of me wishes i hadn't said anything, but i needed to be honest... and if they didn't know, that wouldn't be a good thing...

this is one of those times when it feels hard to work in a christian place, because so much of my personal life is translated over into my work life... if i could keep everything separate, it would be easier, but there's so much overlap because of the nature of my work environment... part of me wants to run away... but i won't do that... so i guess it will just have to be...

issue #1

i got an email from one of the administrative assistants... my church wasn't listed on the sbcnet, and so they didn't think it was a baptist church... or associated with the sbc... so i sent back an email assuring them it is... and then i went down the hall to our information manager (lucky for me, i work in the state convention office) - and she gave me the sbc id# - so i passed that off to the a.a. - so i think it should be cleared up... i am supposed to have served in an sbc church for 2 years - and i've only been at this church for 6 months, but i've been southern baptist for 12, so i think it will be okay... it's just issue #1 - i'm sure there are many more to follow...

show me... i'll go...

On Thursday, I went to Seattle for work – to write a story about a youth mission event. I went to the site, took some pictures and then it was time for the worship service. I expected to take a few pictures and a couple of notes and leave. When we pulled up to the church, I saw my friend Matt’s car – I didn’t know whether to expect to see him or not. After he got back from dinner, we talked and I felt like all I said was negative stuff… then we went into worship – it started off with interpretive movement, then they showed a couple of videos – one caught my attention – it was quote after quote about going but the two quotes that caught my attention were quotes by Bob Pierce and Amy Carmichael – Pierce’s being “Let my heart be broken with the things that break God’s heart.” And Carmichael’s being “You can give without loving. You cannot love without giving.” Nate (worship leader) then got up and asked, “What will worship cost you tonight?” and he told the story of David, ending up with the words out of 1 Chronicles 21:24, “But King David replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the LORD what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing.” How expensive was my worship going to be? As we sang, I wiped away streaming tears. We sang for the nations to be glad and the greatness of God… and my worship took several forms – sitting, standing, arms out, arms up, palms open and up, hands to my chest, smiling, crying, looking up, looking down, hands clasped, bouncing, dancing, swaying, standing still… forget taking notes… I needed to be there for me…

Then the speaker got up… the story was one of the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, her hair and expensive perfume… she was willing to go to an uncomfortable place and break a jar of perfume worth 1-3 years’ wages on the feet of Jesus. I started to think about how much money that is – what that would mean for me… then, when Nate got back up to sing, I snuck out the back. I went outside where I could still hear, but where the air was crisp and fresh. It was nice. I began to pray, and these are some of the phrases that rolled off my tongue… “God, I want to be obedient. I don’t want to say no to you. Show me where you want me, even if it’s Vancouver and I’ll go. I’ll do what you want – just show me… show me… show me…I’ll go… I’ll go… I’ll go… (it actually made me think of two movies – one being jerry maguire where rod tidwell is teaching jerry how to say “show me the money” – and instead I was saying “show me where you want me…” and ferris bueller’s day off were Cameron says, “I’ll go. I’ll go. I’ll go…”)

Then I started to realize what I’d have to give up – how much easier it would be if I didn’t have a job or an apartment – if I didn’t have anything…

Show me…

Lately I have been wrestling with my job – is it where I’m supposed to be? I don’t think it’s the last job I’ll ever have (I know it won’t be.) but I don’t know how soon I will be leaving it – what would I do in the field? I had, what seemed like, a million questions, comments, cries to the Lord – then a lady came out and we sat there together, humming words to the songs under our breath and it was peaceful and beautiful… and I loved it… then she went in and a man came out… it was the same thing, but we sang more audibly – then he went in… and then the breakdown… “show me… show me… show me… I’ll go… I’ll go… I’ll go…” (I think I need everything watered down) – and to top it off, the lesson on Sunday before all of this was on obedience…

Then the service was over. I went in and thanked Matt for listening to me and he said he thought it would be good if Mary moved back (one of the things we talked about was me feeling like I don’t have a lot of “soul friends” left here – who really know me and love me anyway)… and I said, “yeah, I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying” – and I shared with him some thoughts from the night – and how maybe I was called to go… and how hard it’d be to give everything up, and he encouraged me… I was thankful for that…

So I went back to Chris and Meredith’s – and I wrote all of it down… and slept peacefully and restfully for the first night in a really long time…

I was heading back to Vancouver Friday, still unsure of what the call was… and what was going on… and I started thinking, “I’m too old to do anything like I did in college…” and then it hit me… “I’m only 25!!! I can do the journeyman program” – which is a 2-year program through the international mission board… so I called everyone I know and told them… expecting to get a lot of “are you sure? Isn’t this sudden? What are you thinking?” – instead, since then, I’ve only gotten positive responses… and no one is surprised… what I didn’t realize is that God has been taking me through this process for the last several months… phrases like, “I know something’s coming, but I’m not sure what it is…” and “I think I may get called to international missions… will you pray for me?” and “I’m ready to go. If God calls me out, I’m ready to go... sometimes I just want to be out there” and “there’s something in the air – I can’t quite put my finger on it…” and “what am I going to do now that I’ve finished seminary? Well, now I have freedom, in that, if God calls me overseas, I can go with less to stop me…” and other phrases along those lines…

The gross illustration fits it best… I’m warning everyone – it’s disgusting – but it fits…
It’s like the pimple that is under the surface… it’s not ready to pop, but you can feel it… and it hurts… but it’s not ready…and for so long, I’ve been able to feel something under the surface, unsure of what it is… and I guess, on Friday, it finally popped… I know… GROSS… but it totally makes sense…

Last night I was hanging out with jess, beck, and dave – and jess, beck and I are sharing stories about living overseas… and I started telling one of my stories and I just started cracking up… the story isn’t even that funny… 3 girls, freezing, sick in a smelly chinese “hotel” room, thinking we’re hearing a rat, sleeping in two beds – close together!!! In telling the story, I seriously laughed harder than I have in a long time… laughter tears streaming down my face… those were good times… it was hard, sure, but I’ve never had a better time serving God. I’ve never trusted in Him or relied on Him more than when I was there…

The events of the last three days have confirmed Thursday night/Friday morning… I started the process of applying for the journeyman program. I’ll sent in the pre-application. I should receive the regular application soon and need to complete it by the end of September. If everything runs smoothly and on schedule, I will be in the 6-week training (MLC) mid-March. I feel good about it… Right now, it’s just being patient and completely here while God has me here…

prayer request...

i am trying to make an important decision about whether or not i should pursue something... i have talked to a few people who feel like it would be a good opportunity and i agree, but there are definite pros and cons... if i do pursue it, it's not a guarantee... and i don't know how it would affect my current state... i am purposely being vague because it's not something i feel like i can be very upfront about right now...

i know this entry doesn't make it seem like a big deal, but i'd appreciate the prayers anyway...

slow days, busy nights...

work is slow these days... really slow... really slow... i know it will pick up soon, but right now, it's kind of driving me nuts... later on this week, the stuff for the paper will kick in - and next week, we'll be working on the paper a lot (i hope)...

my nights, however, are not so slow... last week, i had something to do every night... and wednesday, i needed to be in two places at once...

this week, i have something scheduled for tonight, wednesday, thursday and friday... (the friday was a reschedule from last week)... we have youth palooza every tuesday night, too, but i thought that i'd skip this week to have a bit of a break...

then i get a phone call... and most of the adults are not going to be able to be there this week, so rob asked if i would be there, because he needs me to be... so guess what... now i have something every night this week, too...

the trouble with it is... i don't really have any down time... so last night, i stayed up until 1:30 putting music on my laptop when i should have been sleeping...

such is life... maybe i'm being a baby... i think i'm just bored and want a nap, but can't leave...

a signal from home...

i haven't been online at home in a really long time... i hadn't been able to get a signal, and so i gave up on trying... i've had my laptop on the other side of the room (for no particular reason) and tonight i moved it and got a signal... so yea... i love getting free wireless from a neighbor...

it's been a pretty low-key weekend so far... and i enjoy low-key weekends... work should pick up this week and not be so slow, which will be great...

my friend jeff came over earlier... we hung out for a few hours... and then he left... and i couldn't help but think that it may be one of the last times i talk to him... we may stay surface-y friends, but i think we're not good friends anymore... it's sad, but there's not really anything i can do about it... we've pretty much parted ways... it'll be okay... that's how life goes... another busboy out...

but it's late and i have a few things to do before i go to bed... so i should publish this and get to bed...

new status...

i've reached a new status in my life... my new status, according to mary, is "you would have been a bridesmaid if I wasn't having only family cause you're so dang cool." i love that status... everyone should be aware of it... because it's fun...

at least it's mostly general american

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

i'm not as young as i used to be...

last night was packed... i left work early, went home in a frenzy to straighten my apartment for my girls from church to come over and decorate boxes for them to put their memory verses in... i frantically picked everything up, shoving a lot of clothes into the closet... and waited... and waited... luckily, i had gilmore girls to keep me company... they were supposed to be there at 5:00... and i had accidentally double-booked myself, making the plans with the girls, forgetting about beckie's birthday... i think i need a day planner and a franklin covey seminar...

so about 5:30, beckie calls me back... i had called to see if friend jeff could come with me for dessert after the girls leave... and then i tell her that none of the girls have shown up... i thought, if they don't get here by 6:00 or a little after, i may just go to beckie's for dinner...

5:45 - the girls show up... and i pull out all the stuff i got, which i think was a disappointing show, but it cost a lot of money (for me)... by the time i bought the boxes and fun beads and stickers to go on them, i spent $40... and then i ended up having to buy dinner... so they'd just have to get over the lack of tons of fun craft supplies...

we watched superstar and decorated boxes and talked... and i mentioned that i had to go to beckie's after they left, so maybe their parents should pick them up around 8:00 or so... which was fine with them... about 7:30, one of them asks me if i can take her home, because her mom can't get there... of course... so i end up taking them all home... and we didn't leave until 8:45 and then i headed over to beckie's... i thought i'd get there at 8:00 or 8:30... instead it's 9:30... luckily there was still cheesecake left...

then we hung out and talked and talked and talked... me, rea, beckie, jessica and dave... and the next thing i know it's 1 a.m.... eww... so i head home and realize that i have beauty and the geek and lost recorded and i really wanted to watch them, because i'm not going to have time tonight... and i think i have to give up my tape to the beckie, jess and angela tonight for beauty and the geek, because they didn't watch it... so i stay up and watch them after i get home... 3 a.m. and i'm heading to bed, alarm set for 7 a.m....

i woke up at the time when i'm supposed to leave to get to work on time... so i called my boss and left a message telling him i had some stuff to get done this morning... (get extra sleep) and that i'd be in at 9:30... (which is not a big deal at all) i rolled into work about 9:50... but i don't have anything to do, so it really doesn't matter...

i'm working through my lunch break because i feel bad about being late... and now it's almost 1:00 and i still have 3.5 hours left in the day... and i'm so tired... i really wish i was at home right now, in my bed... instead, i'm going to get something out of the vending machine for lunch, have a diet coke and start working on dreamweaver tutorials... at least it's something to do...

::i'm happy for you::

my friend jeff just came to see me... it's a happy thing... jeff moved to the bay area almost a year ago...

before he moved, we hung out a lot... we were really good friends... and he moved and for a long time, we stayed good friends... we talked on the phone no less than once a week and he knew everything... he heard my guy-stories, good and bad... we talked about work and life and movies and tv...

i saw him a few times this year - when he came home or when i went down for a class... and it was fun... we laughed and talked... it was like old times...

then, sometime this spring, right around april, something happened... a girl happened... and all of a sudden, jeff and i didn't talk every week or even every other week... all of the friendship and attention he had shown to me was shifted to her...

i don't like jeff that way - we've had several dtr's - and each time we've gone into it thinking we're just friends and walked away as just friends... so i'm not jealous because i want to date jeff or i'm sad that he found someone else...

i just miss my friend... i miss having a guy friend that's there... that is cool and normal and perfect as my good-guy-friend-only... i only remember us getting into a fight one time and it was kind of bad, but then once we didn't talk for a day or two, things were back to normal...

and right now, i wish things would go back to normal for our friendship...

but he likes her, he really likes her... and i couldn't be more happy for him... in the hour that he was here, 45 minutes were spent talking about how great she is and all the cool dates they've gone on... and it's cool that he's experiencing all of that... because seriously, a year ago, he was talking about joining a monastery... so i'm so excited for him... i've never seen him so full of life and joy...

but i found myself saying i was happy for him, hoping my face was convincing... i want to feel happy for him... i want that to come naturally... because i am happy that he has all that...

i miss my friend, but maybe i only miss him because it was comfortable... i feel like the selfish 8-year-old who wants what she can't have... who wants everything her own way, regardless of what it does to other people... and i don't like the way that feels...

i'm so happy for jeff... i guess, in a way, i'm jealous... not in the normal jealous way... i don't want to be dating jeff... but i want what he has... the fun dates that last too many hours to count... for someone to talk about me the way he talks about her... and it's not jeff...

i'm just wondering if he's out there...

slow day at work...

i didn't have anything to do at work... so i put mailing labels on about 800 books - we're mailing out our convention annual... so the majority of the annuals i put labels on will be going to various places throughout the northwest... but about 200 of them are going all over the country... and that was the exciting part...

it made my job feel like the big leagues... i was putting labels on annuals that will go to baptist schoools across the country, the convention newspapers, the executive directors of the conventions and the presidents of the seminaries... yes, that's right, i labeled an annual for Al Mohler, Jerry Rankin, Paige Patterson, etc... the truth is that most of the people who receive the northwest baptist convention annual will probably thumb through it and stick it on a shelf and never look at it again...

the good part is - even though labeling annuals does not fall under the umbrella of my job, it filled up my day... and now i have less than an hour to kill, rather that 7 or 8...

what is an appropriate gift for a blog's birthday?

today is my blog's birthday... or would it be its anniversary?

my blog has:
saved me some money on potential therapy... (but not car insurance)
allowed me to meet new people, reconnect with old friends...
become part of my every day life... (it's sad when the first thing that pops into my head after something happens is - "i need to blog about that...")
confused me... is blog a noun or a verb? both?
amused few and probably offended some...

i'm wondering how many times i've used ellipses (...) in posts in the last year... probably too many times to count... much like the la-la-la's in kylie minogue's song, "i just can't get you out of my head..."

blogger hasn't updated my profile where it says the number of posts and words written... back in october, i had written 75 posts - well, now it's 209 (including this one) - and at last count, i had written about 25,000 words... if i had written an average of 333 words per post then and it's continued (which may or may not be accurate), then i've written somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 words... and if a picture is worth 1000 words... i've put 34 pictures on my blog... so that's another 34,000 - except for they count as a post, which means i'd have to subtract the 333 words per post... and the math has become too advanced for me at this point... (not really, but it wouldn't be exact - and who cares anyway?)

happy birthday (or anniversary) to my blog...